Does porn REALLY ruin relationships? Men confess their viewing habits to Tracey Cox – and reveal what their partners think

• Tracey Cox speaks to four men as they reveal how porn affects their sex lives
• READ MORE: Tracey Cox talks to women who aren’t shamed by their ‘number’

Porn is blamed for a lot of things.

Why are so many men having erection problems? Too much porn, not enough real-life sex.

Why are so many young people not bothering to have sex at all? Why would they when they have porn?

While no-one is discounting porn can be harmful for some people (young adults using it as sex education is most definitely an issue), the latest research suggests, for the average user, porn isn’t a problem at all.

Most of us use it simply to add variety to a monogamous relationship with no negative impact on our relationships at all. In fact, couples who are the most sexually satisfied are more not less likely to make porn a part of their sex lives.

Tracey Cox uncovers some myths and truths surrounding porn addiction, including one truth that states only watching a small amount of porn can lead to ‘porn problems’ (stock image)

Today’s thinking – by the people who should know (social psychologists, neuroscientists and those who research human sexual behaviour) – seems to boil down to this.

If one partner feels porn is a problem, it becomes a problem. If both partners are comfortable with each other’s porn use and it doesn’t interfere with their connection, it isn’t an issue.

When I asked people to tell me about their experiences with porn, most of the comments – predictably – came from men.

In most cases, those experiences were positive.

But not all.

Here, in their own words, are what they told me.

PORN CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LESS WEIRD   

Alex, 40, married 15 years 

‘Thanks to COVID and now working from home full time, I watch porn daily during the week, whereas before it would have been more sporadic. 

‘What I watch does vary, and sometimes I spend more time searching and going down rabbit holes than actually masturbating. I can’t masturbate without porn anymore, but that was never the case three or four years ago. 

‘I think thanks to smartphones, our relationship with porn has changed for most men, and possibly women too. It lives in my pocket now, ready whenever I need it.

‘I no longer have a secret stash of porn mags or videos, instead I have specific videos and links as bookmarks in my phone internet browser.

British sex expert Tracey Cox embarks on a quest to find out if watching porn can ruin a relationship

‘My wife openly watches porn too, although she’ll take herself to bed for an hour with it. She likes a beginning middle and an end to her porn, the story of it, rather than a shorter three-to-four-minute clip. 

PORN: MYTH vs FACT 

MYTH: People with porn problems watch lots of porn 

Fact: The opposite is true: they tend to watch porn less than the average person.

Porn addiction isn’t like other addictions.

New research shows it’s not as straightforward as people think. You can define alcohol addiction by quantity: drink 70 units of alcohol a week and you’re an alcoholic. Experts don’t need to know why or the circumstances around it to make that judgement.

With porn, there is no set number of times you watch it or period of time that you watch it that officially makes you an addict.

It’s our feelings around porn that appear to be the most important, not how often we access it.

A single man who watches porn twice a day for five minutes, totting up 14 orgasms a week, doesn’t have an issue so long as he sees it as innocent entertainment. Someone who watches porn once a month but beats themselves up for the rest of it, does.

If there’s no distress, shame or guilt around what porn you’re watching and for how long, and it’s not interfering with any real-life relationships, most sex therapists would not consider you a porn addict.

Contrary to most people’s expectations, most people with porn problems, watch a small amount of porn.

It’s more about ‘moral incongruence’: distress caused when your actions and beliefs don’t match.

And demonising porn can be dangerous.

Remember when your parents said masturbating would make you blind?

Anti-porn and anti-masturbation organisations are now saying releasing semen ‘unnecessarily’ is bad for your health.

Men are signing up to 60-day porn-free programs and shamed on social media if they give in. Some men report having suicidal thoughts afterwards. It’s not far off ‘conversion therapy’ which claims to convert gays to straights.

Yes, porn does present problems but not as many as it’s blamed for. Masturbation is good for your mental and physical health, not harmful. The average porn user does not report any negative effects on their sexual function or relationship.

‘She doesn’t rush to orgasm, and it won’t be just the one either. For her it’s always the same two categories of porn: lesbian and group sex. I am far more varied in what I watch which varies, depending on my mood.

‘The internet offers infinite variety which means you can get very specific and think it’s the real world. But overall, I think internet porn makes you feel less kinky or into fetish than you may have thought you were. 

‘It’s hard to continue to think you are weird or different when you’re watching something that’s has hundreds of of thousands of views. It might have been niche in your head but that shows it’s more popular or common than you realised.

‘Porn hasn’t affected my sex life negatively. The people who so openly object to it, may be the same people who don’t like their partners masturbating or using sex toys either.’

I’D BINGE FOR HOURS EACH DAY, NOW I ONLY WATCH WITH MY WIFE

Michael, 34, has been married for 10 years.

‘My experiences with porn are both good and not so good. I watch it still, but I am much more controlled. 

‘About three years ago, I watched for hours each day. It was the only way I was able to achieve orgasm, but it was very much a “have to” each day. Over masturbating meant a very sore penis! 

‘It impacted my relationship because there was less urge or need for intercourse, and the only way for me to achieve orgasm was by masturbating to finish. The constant watching of porn and masturbating made it hard for me to orgasm with my wife.

‘Finally realising the impact, I sat down with my wife and we discussed it openly and honestly. She was not surprised but happy that it was my porn addiction and nothing else causing it. We decided to watch some porn together and agreed I would only watch with her. I stuck to it: I learned to control the urge and it’s now fully gone. We watch porn together as an added stimulant during intercourse.

‘Neither of us see porn as a bad thing anymore. Our sex life has improved because of it as we are finding new ways to enjoy ourselves and each other.’

ONE GIRL WALKED OUT WHEN I TOLD HER I WATCHED PORN

Dee, 40, has just started a new relationship.

‘I’ve never found porn addictive. For me, it’s more about releasing stress and something I enjoy when single. My current partner is also a fan of porn so we have watched it together and had sex after to re-create some scenes.

‘But other partners – most in general – have not been a fan at all. One partner walked out when I told her. We were about two months into getting to know each other and hadn’t had sex. I tried to get her to open up more about sex and it was slowly working, then I mentioned that I watch porn and masturbate. She didn’t say much but then went to the bathroom – and walked out of the café we were in. I tried to contact her afterwards but never did get a reply.

‘Now I make a point of light-heartedly talking about sex on the first or second date with relative success. With my current partner, I mentioned that I listen to an educational podcast about sex and just so happens, she does as well. It’s made the chats we have about sex like any other chat – very relaxed.’

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF PORN? 

 As always, there’s never a shortage of opinions about whether watching porn is good or bad for your sex life and relationship.

Here’s a round-up of what people told me.

‘I remember finding porn on my boyfriend’s phone when I was 18 and dumping him immediately. We’d made a pact never to watch it. We made up but I was furious at him for months. I’m very jealous and considered it cheating for a boyfriend to be with me and watch porn as well. Now I’m older (22), I honestly don’t care. I don’t watch porn but every single guy I know does. Most guys just do it for a bit of fun.’

‘Porn is great. Only Fans is fun, too. But even better than porn is mindful masturbation. I prefer to think up fantasies and then play them out with my partner. If you master that, porn can be redundant.’

‘I watch porn whenever I masturbate but I know that’s rare in my friendship group. I’m 45 and sometimes think I’m also the only one who masturbates. I mostly watch lesbian porn featuring good looking women. I find amateur porn a turn off. I like slick, glossy videos that are made by proper porn production companies.’

‘Yes, I get desensitised looking at porn. It’s in equal parts boring and stimulating. I wonder sometimes if there’s something wrong with me because I don’t get as turned on as I used to. It’s as if my lust hormones aren’t working anymore.’

I FEEL DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF AFTERWARD

‘M’, is 28 and single

‘I come from a deeply religious family where sex is seen as sinful. If my parents knew I watched porn, they would be disgusted and probably never see me again.

‘I think because sex was so taboo, I became obsessed with porn. Any kid with a smart phone can figure out how to override the parental controls their technically clueless parents put on there. I started watching porn when I was 14. I didn’t tell anyone, even when my friends would boast about what they were watching. Most of my friends aren’t Muslim, so porn isn’t forbidden to them.

‘I was so fascinated by everything I watched, I’d sometimes stay in rather than meet up with my mates and hide in my bedroom watching it for hours.

‘I’m now 28 and watch porn for roughly an hour and a half a day. I’m aware that’s more than most but I am single and quite bored. I work from home and my job isn’t taxing. I’m not interested in social media or world events or gaming, how else am I supposed to fill my time?

‘Some of the things I watch are pretty weird. The usual stuff – group sex, anal, BJ’s – has no effect on me at all. The more unusual the porn, the more aroused I can become.

‘While I’m watching it, I feel great. I still get such a rush when I first see it appear on my screen: the thrill I get from doing something I shouldn’t hasn’t gone. But afterwards, I often feel overwhelmed with disgust and shame. I’m guessing it’s because of my background.

‘I know most men watch porn but I’m not sure they watch the things I get off on or for as long. It’s become a constant battle between hating myself for doing it and an intense craving to do it. The urge to do it always wins.

‘I’ve only ever had one girlfriend and sex was problematic. All I know about sex, I know from porn. I was scared to suggest anything new in case it was too out there and would scare her off. I watched porn less while I was with her, but didn’t cut it off completely so my desire for sex with her wasn’t high. We broke up after about a year and, to be honest, it’s easier just me, my phone and my hand.’

Visit traceycox.com for more information about sex and relationships. Tracey’s product ranges – Supersex and Edge – are available from lovehoney.co.uk.

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