‘I used to be a brilliant bonker but my lover says I’m worse than a smear test’

My girlfriend describes my love-making skills as “pants”. She complains I’ve no rhythm, no spark and no idea…

Apparently, I’ve never made her orgasm or feel desired. In fact, I’m the worst lover she’s ever known. She moans that falling into bed with me is about as exciting as having a cervical smear.

Ouch… The other week I paid for us to stay in a romantic rental by the sea. I splashed out on fizz and turned the heating up high.

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I even went through my sex moves in advance. I mentally choreographed how I’d seduce and satisfy her but the whole trip was a disaster from start to finish.

She complained about every lick and stroke and accused me of being heavy-handed and selfish. In the end I stormed off in a massive strop while she sulked.

Now I feel terrible. I’ve lost my sexual confidence and my mojo has drained away. What I don’t get is that before her I dated loads of great girls – and none of them ever complained about my sexual performance.

My first ever girlfriend and I were together for six years from the age of 16 and she was devastated when I walked away. A couple of nights ago my current girl accused me of being selfish and not trying hard enough.

In fact, she told me unless I up my game, she’ll go off with a guy from work who has been chasing her for months.

Apparently, she’s not prepared to waste any more energy on a boyfriend who can’t make her scream. I have begged her to give me more time. Plus, we look good together and she’s great for my image.

JANE SAYS: Not everyone is sexually compatible. You may desire and fancy your girlfriend but if the spark isn’t there then you’re facing an uphill struggle.

At the moment you two sound like oil and water – you’re not mixing. There is no chemistry or magnetism. You organised a romantic week and it ended in disaster. Now she’s threatening to take off with someone else.

I suggest the next conversation you have is held away from the bedroom.

You need to be honest with each other about this relationship. Do you want to stay together and make it work (for the right reasons, not just because she’s good for your image)? All is not lost because your love life can be saved, but you and she need to go back to basics and put in a huge amount of work.

Discuss foreplay, fantasises, positions and how often you both desire and require sex. What don’t you do that she needs – and vice versa?

Make it clear that you’re trying to meet her halfway, but she has to take responsibility and be proactive too. But be prepared to let her go if you’re in danger of tearing each other apart and chalk this relationship down to experience.

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