Skint, single and can't afford to mingle: Dating costs money we don't have

‘I recently dated someone who I believe earned less than me for the first time. Now that’s not a problem, but it made me feel so on edge during the dates,’ says Cassey*, 26, who now isn’t dating said guy.

The age-old debate of who pays has been amplified.

According to Bumble’s 2023 Sex Index, 65% of young single people can’t afford to move out of their family home, which has resulted in a poor sex life – they’re calling it being ‘home blocked’.

Meanwhile a report by wellness brand Hims found a third of Brits feel their dating and sex lives have taken a hit due to the cost of living crisis.

Money worries create stress – the biggest psychological killer of arousal – and literally limit your ability to go out and meet people.

And even when you do, there’s the dynamic of meeting someone who has greater spending power than you do. It’s made dating even more awkward.

Cassey told us: ‘I didn’t feel like I could order everything I wanted, or have that extra drink in case it put him out of pocket.

‘It would always take him so long to get his card out and pay which then forced me to just pay a few times as it was such an awkward encounter.

‘I think he didn’t see me a few times because he didn’t have the money which is a shame.

‘Now I’m not saying if you don’t have money don’t date, but you need to be dating within your bracket and doing activities or dinners you can afford.’

Deborah Grey, a 41-year-old communications professional, has struggled on the other side of the coin.

‘As a pansexual woman, I date people irrespective of their gender,’ she says.

‘Ideally this means my dating pool is bigger than that of heterosexual people.

‘However, as I’m also a big believer in equality, I never go out unless I can foot half the bill for food and entertainment.’

Unfortunately, her financial incomings have shrunk dramatically – and now it’s affecting her romantic life.

‘With the advent of AI generated content, many of my content writing clients have pretty much vanished into thin air and this has affected my income by roughly 15-20%,’ she says.

‘I’m therefore cutting down on all frivolous expenses, and one of the first things on the chopping block was drinks at my favourite bar.

‘While I’d typically go drinking thrice a week, now it’s down to only once a week, and sometimes only once in two weeks.

‘This bar has been my dating safe space. I’m also eating more home cooked meals instead of eating out. So that also affects my chances of meeting new people.

‘From someone who would go out on at least one to two dates a week, I’m down to just four dates in the last two months.’

It’s making her ‘miserable’, but also proud she’s sticking to her moral by not ‘expecting my date to foot all bills’.

Meanwhile Amy*, 32, is in a committed long-term relationship – but she and her partner have very different salaries.

‘I earn more than double what my partner does, so I end up paying upfront for big stuff like holidays,’ she says.

‘I don’t mind as I want to go on them too, but it can then leave me short cash flow wise as he can only afford to pay me back in bits.

‘His lack of money affects me.’

Bayu Prihandito, a psychologist and life coach, says having more money can lead to ‘lifestyle inflation’, which means that ‘as your income increases, you might find yourself attracted to partners who fit into your new “upgraded” lifestyle’.

So, it might be a bit off-putting to find out the person you’re dating is earning less than you.

But Bayu warns: ‘This can create a cycle where you’re continually chasing a higher standard, often leading to dissatisfaction and emotional disconnect.’

From the other perspective, when we worry about money, Bayu says the fight-or-flight response can get activated, leaving less room for romance.

While having more money can open up more possibilities when dating, Bayu says having less forces you to be more creative about what you do.

‘This creativity often leads to more meaningful experiences compared to defaulting to expensive restaurants or exotic vacations,’ he says.

‘The extra effort put into a well-thought-out, budget-friendly date can be more engaging and attentive than any fancy date where money just becomes the easy solution to creativity.’

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