Woman's Boyfriend Had Sex with His Dying Friend – Now She Feels Guilty for Being Jealous

"I hate myself because I get angry inside whenever he mentions her. I can't express my jealousy because she's dead anyway," she began, before making a dramatic reversal after confronting her boyfriend over the hookup.

A young woman has asked the internet for help after discovering her boyfriend had slept with a terminally ill friend during a farewell vacation.

The 22-year-old female posted to Reddit asking for relationship advice as she has been struggling with guilt over her feelings of jealousy — particularly because now the girl is deceased. It should be noted that she was made aware of the infidelity by mutual friends but had never confronted her partner about it.

While the veracity of the complex tale is impossible to verify, the Reddit post garnered thousands of comments advising the young woman on how to navigate the situation.

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Contributing to her feelings of shame, she expressed that her boyfriend has entered an extended and deep depression following the death of his friend. She also stated: “This jealousy is eating me up. I just know that it wasn’t just f–king. They totally had emotional sex because of her condition. I don’t even know who initiated it. It was probably something like how she didn’t want to die a virgin.”

The majority of comments on the post urged the girl to recognize that her boyfriend had been duplicitous and she had no reason to feel guilty. Others advised her and her boyfriend to seek professional counseling.

The whole twisted tale takes a dramatic turn when the Redditor posts an update after finally confronting her boyfriend and realizes something astonishing about herself.

Read on for the entire tale.

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Original Post

My boyfriend didn’t tell me that he had sex with his dying friend. We were together when it happened. He’s still depressed about her death. I feel jealous and I don’t know what to do.

I wouldn’t have found out if one of our mutual friends didn’t slip. My boyfriend and the girl did it when they were on vacation with other friends. She had a terminal illness and is dead now. I’m confident that he was never attracted to her. They never had a relationship beyond that. She did have a secret crush on him though. She was the little sister of their friend group. This incident happened late Nov or December 2021. She died in March 2022.

He was visiting the hospital when she died. He’s never had a death in his life before so it really shook him. For the past year, his mental health has been very unwell (I don’t know if I’m allowed to specify in the sub). It’s not solely because of her death but it was the catalyst. He rarely, if ever, talks about his feelings except with me. I hate myself because I get angry inside whenever he mentions her. I can’t express my jealousy because she’s dead anyway.

Call me a cuck but I actually would’ve said yes if both of them talked to me.

This jealousy is eating me up. I just know that it wasn’t just f–king. They totally had emotional sex because of her condition. I don’t even know who initiated it. It was probably something like how she didn’t want to die a virgin. My boyfriend and I had never even had sex all the way then. To clarify, he didn’t lose his virginity to her but she did lose her virginity to him.

We have an otherwise perfect relationship. He’s always been a good boyfriend even when he’s at his lowest now. I had bad episodes before and the lowest of low points. He was the first who stood by me. My family is strict and didn’t approve of us but he tried hard to win even my extended family over. We’ve been together for more than 3 years and have known each other since high school. No history of infidelity from both parties.

I don’t know if I can talk to him about this. I don’t want to push him to the brink. But I’m also afraid that he might be dismissive of my feelings. What to do?

EDIT: I’m ready for the downvotes with this edit. I really mean it when I said that he stood by me. He practically fought to get me to keep living more than once. His poor mental health (to put it mildly) is the first time this happened. We were also best friends before we ended up together. I think it’s unfair to be so black and white about this. Sorry for the edit. I understand and am considering the breakup advices. The rude replies just irk me.

EDIT 2: The replies have several insults already. This sub needs to be moderated better.

EDIT 3: Out of everyone, only one redditor brought up that the sex might not be consensual. That crossed my mind too which is part of why I feel bad about jealous/angry about this. More info about the vacation I didn’t get to post: Other friends planned it with some help from the girl. She wanted to go to that place for a long time. There were 7 of them including my bf and the girl. It lasted for 3 days and 2 nights. He asked me to come with when he was invited but I declined. Beach getaways aren’t my thing. I know it was supposed to be a getaway trip for the girl. I was only acquaintances with the rest and I didn’t want to intrude on her final trip with friends. (And this bit me in the ass later on lol)

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The Update … One Day Later

Very long post. Sorry this is all over the place. I’m a mess as it is and English isn’t my first language. I keep editing the post because I don’t know how to format 🙃

Thank you all for giving me the courage to approach him about this. I couldn’t take it anymore so I talked to him immediately 😅 It’s not an angry or accusatory conversation, just very emotionally draining for both parties lol. I asked him as many questions as I could.

TLDR; Boyfriend didn’t tell me because he was afraid of getting dumped. He was never in love or attracted to her. He feels guilty and hopes to still stay with me. Though he also said that he understands if I wouldn’t. The “affair” might not be fully consensual. He disapproves of his own actions either way. I might tell him that we need to cool off.

So he said that he regretted it immediately but he can’t fault his friend much (more out of compassion for her illness). He didn’t tell me because he didn’t know how I’d react and was afraid that I’d dump him. He didn’t want to hurt me (but he did anyway because he didn’t talk until now 😐). The guilt is part of why his mental health is awful. He said he keeps feeling more guilty especially every time we’re together, when he talks about his mental health and I support him, etc. It is true that he is mourning her but […] it’s more that he is distraught over “betraying the one he wants to spend his life with” (his words. we sound like we’re on a soap opera or a wattpad story wth). He didn’t know how to talk about the latter so he covered it up with mourning her when we talked back then.

My bf said that if he could, he would’ve asked me for permission then. He would have respected my decision and wouldn’t have done it. Though a part of him would also feel guilty about not fulfilling his friend’s wish when she dies. He added that he believes that it would be later outweighed by our relationship/ feelings for me though.When I asked him if the sex was emotional for him, he admitted that it was because they were close friends and she was dying. He only did it because of their platonic relationship and her impending death. He wouldn’t have done it in other circumstances. It wasn’t romantic for him.

I think it’s so messed up that sleeping with him specifically was one of the dying girl’s dreams. Maybe she just didn’t care anymore because she was going to leave us anyway.

As for who initiated, it was the girl. He was tipsy but not drunk. She kissed him and made the first move. He knew that she had a crush on him. He was never in love with her, never attracted, never saw her as a partner even after what happened, etc. It was spur of the moment because of strong emotions. He didn’t get to ask me for permission because it happened exactly at that moment. She didn’t directly tell him to f–k her but she confessed her feelings for him after kissing him and touching him.

He confessed to me that he felt kinda awkward around her afterwards but he tried to move past that because they were friends (and she was literally dying lol). I think it’s so messed up that sleeping with him specifically was one of the dying girl’s dreams. Maybe she just didn’t care anymore because she was going to leave us anyway. I’m still conflicted. She wasn’t even a b-tch when she was alive. The girl is dead. I’m alive and with my boyfriend. What more can I do to her? Honestly, I feel like I tainted his memories of her too. They were good friends then and now she would be remembered as that girl who ruined our relationship. I feel bad about that too :/

I asked him if he would’ve told me what happened and he said he didn’t know. He might take it to the grave because he wants to forget it even happened. But he also said that he might’ve told me when he felt confident enough to do so. Either way, he regrets not telling me immediately what happened.

I tried to ask him if he thinks she planned the trip or planned to be alone with him to get him to sleep with her but he didn’t let me finish. Unlike with other questions, he got angry. I think he doesn’t want to face that he might’ve been assaulted especially by a friend who died. His mental health is awful already and this is a heavy subject so I didn’t ask more about that angle yet.

I asked him if he slept with her again after that or with other people, he said no. I asked what if he had another dying friend after this. He said he won’t do it again given how much it affected us and our relationship. Especially because he didn’t want me to be this hurt again. He said it’s not worth it etc.

I think he doesn’t want to face that he might’ve been assaulted especially by a friend who died.

Another thing I asked him was what would’ve happened if the girl got cured after they did it. He said that it would have ruined their friendship or it would take a lot of time for him to forgive her. He said she shouldn’t have brought that up in the first place. I asked him if he would’ve dumped me for her and he said never even if she was dying already. I don’t know why I ever thought that he’d be dismissive of my feelings. He’s always been supportive of me before this. I feel bad for doubting him lol

In our talk, my bf said he’d do anything to gain my trust back again. He kept apologising and asked me to stay with him. At the same time, he said that he understands my POV. He wouldn’t blame me if I left him and never forgave him because he’s aware of his betrayal. He said that it still counted as cheating and it was wrong etc. When I say in this post that “I feel bad” about feeling certain things, he didn’t gaslight or manipulate me into it. He was reassuring me that what I feel is valid.

I also talked to the two friends who know about this issue. Apparently, our mutual friend didn’t tell my bf that I found out. He said he didn’t want to get involved but would support both of us either way. I asked him if their friend group was drinking on the trip. He said the group did on various degrees and times. Like even when just playing chess or watching a movie. Our friend didn’t drink except once because he’s a lightweight. The girl didn’t drink too because she’s sick. I asked him if he thought it was possible that my bf was drunk when it happened. I think this is the first time our friend considered that because he stopped for a bit then said “…probably”.

The one I’m not close with didn’t know a lot of details. But she gave him an earful when he told her that he slept with the girl during the trip. She just didn’t ask for more details because she didn’t want to get very involved too.

My bf didn’t explicitly ask them to hide this from me nor did he ask them to tell me.

At least I know my bf’s side now. I think a cool off is the middle point of the dump him/reconsider advice I got. I can feel how contrite it is and the scenario was too sketchy. We’ll do what we can to work on things. We still love each other so much.Thank you once again for the advice and support.

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EDIT: I’m ready for the downvotes and name-calling here. Lots of people are filling in the blanks on what happened and what didn’t, how my conservations with him and the friends went, etc. There are other things in play that I didn’t put in my post. I just didn’t include everything because this post is long as it is and some details are too personal to divulge. I posted because I think I owe the sub update (which I realize is now wrong too, I guess)

Anyway, I’m inclined to believe that yes this was cheating but I doubt it was enthusiastic consent. Yes, he put the girl’s feelings over mine. But again, that’s a girl who faced her impending death. He genuinely thought he was doing his friend a favor. We’re experiencing the consequences of that action now but I know that it didn’t come from a place of malice.

To people saying I’m making out the girl to be a rapist or that I completely hate her, then you’re completely wrong. It’s not exactly the same but due to past experiences, I know how precious life is. I understand where she was coming from. She was a nice girl in the times I’ve met her (most of which happened before she diagnosed). You all have no idea how traumatizing it was for her and everyone around her to see such a vibrant girl with so much potential wither before your eyes. Call me a cuck but I actually would’ve said yes if both of them talked to me.

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Mental Health Resources

If you or someone you know needs help with mental health text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 to be connected to a certified crisis counselor.

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or has had thoughts of harming themselves or taking their own life, get help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) provides 24/7, free, confidential support for people in distress.

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