Soapwatch with JACI STEPHEN: Stephen’s final murder victim?

CORONATION STREET 

He has brought us supercilious smiles, an accent that has more variety than a tin of Quality Street, a wardrobe straight out of Man at C&A circa 1974, a bewilderingly active sex life and several dead bodies. 

What more can one ask of a character? But as Stephen plans his escape, he’s unaware that the locals are starting to put the pieces together.

Carla’s convinced that Stephen drugged her with LSD (if only the incompetent Dr Gaddas had thought to do blood tests), while Tim’s attentions are drawn to the canal. Poking around in the water, he runs to his cab to report a dead body after a hand floats to the surface. 

But guess who gets in the back seat? Yes, our friendly serial killer, who tries to strangle Tim with a tie. 

Despite escaping, Tim trips and is clobbered by Stephen with a metal pipe. Have you noticed how many deadly objects just happen to be close by when Stephen needs them? 

Despite escaping, Tim trips and is clobbered by Stephen with a metal pipe (pictured)

With Tim locked in the boot of his car (clearly the writers are overdosing on this all-too-familiar plotline from Emmerdale), will Stephen set fire to the vehicle after dousing it in petrol?

And what will DS Swain and Craig make of the human remains in the roof box when it’s dragged from the murky waters of the canal? Yes, it’s the ubiquitous Craig in on the action again. Doesn’t he ever get a day off?

Confronted by the Platts after Sarah reveals her uncle’s litany of wrongdoing, Stephen is attacked by Peter, but Audrey arrives and sends Peter away before accusing Stephen of stealing her house. Elaine says that Stephen murdered anyone who got in his way, and Sally is horrified to realise that Tim was one such person. Will DS Swain manage to intercept Stephen at the airport, and is everyone too late to save Tim?

My guess is that Tim’s too great a character to become a murder victim. He and Sally are one of the best pairings the show has ever seen; that hot tub and conservatory would be lost without him.

Corrie’s Todd Boyce says he was ‘very emotional’ filming his last scenes as Stephen, though he was glad to leave behind his brown leather jacket: ‘I hated it by the end.’ You and me both. 

EMMERDALE 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. That’s something Mack (pictured) will discover when, in an unguarded moment, he and Charity hug and are spotted by Chloe

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. That’s something Mack will discover when, in an unguarded moment, he and Charity hug and are spotted by Chloe. Mack and Chloe set off on holiday, with the intention of a permanent move to Scotland, and Chloe is driving as Mack remains oblivious to her state of mind. 

When they find Charity broken down at the side of the road, Chloe offers her a lift. A broken-down car is never a good sign in Emmerdale. It means that either (a) a kidnap victim is in the boot, or (b) someone is about to be bumped off. It’s never anything as simple as someone forgetting to get their MOT done.

Chloe intentionally heads in the wrong direction towards the moors, where she has plans to abandon her nemesis and Mack in the middle of nowhere. The moors are never a good sign, either; it never, ever means taking a tour of the Brontë sisters’ landmarks.

When a car smashes into them, leaving them suspended on a cliff edge, Mack escapes but now has a dilemma when the car starts to slip away: which woman does he try to save first? They’re both trouble, Mack. Just give the car a gentle shove. Problem solved.

Mack’s distressed damsels dilemma

Who does Emmerdale’s Lawrence Robb think his character Mack will try to rescue first after the crash that sees both Chloe and Charity at risk? 

‘He loves both,’ Lawrence says, ‘but my advice would be, “Don’t get yourself into that position in the first place.” It’s not an easy decision and very much like Sophie’s choice. I think the viewers will be like, “Wow!” Let’s just say I wouldn’t be friends with Mackenzie if he were a real person.’

EASTENDERS

A peck on the cheek and Keanu’s left reeling 

Where does Dorian get the huge bouquet for Sharon from? Keanu is put out when he sees Dorian deliver them, along with a peck on the cheek

Why are bouquets so much better in Walford than Corrie’s Weatherfield? The latter has Preston’s Petals, yet still most people rely on the half-dead flowers from outside Dev’s shop. 

Where does Dorian get the huge bouquet for Sharon from? Keanu is put out when he sees Dorian deliver them, along with a peck on the cheek (how can he get near, given those lashes? Shears?) and decides to take Albie out for the day without running it by Sharon. When she threatens to call the cops, they return in the nick of time, but a huge row ensues.

You have to feel sorry for the kids in Albert Square. Albie has become a pawn in Sharon and Keanu’s game, Tommy is being pushed into boxing (a kid who would clearly struggle punching a blister of bubble wrap) and Nugget has done a runner from Ravi. 

It’s a busy week for the cops, when Ravi goes to them after receiving a text from Nugget and asks if they can track his location. They reckon the text could be a hoax. Of course they do. Anything else would smack of hard work. This lot need a nap after apprehending an unleashed dog.

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