Eighteen changes that would make the world a much better place

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I have a new book out this week. It’s called Best Wishes and it contains 365 wishes for making the world a better place. It’s The Encyclopedia of Can-Do-Better. There will be ideas you’ll agree with and those you think are idiotic. Nonetheless, in the hope of whetting your appetite, here are a few of my Best Wishes.

I wish the very rich would pay more tax
Sure, you can overdo things: in the UK in the late 1970s, the tax rate hit 83 per cent and the wealthy people left. All the same, the typical US billionaire now pays tax at 8 per cent, half the rate of the average firefighter. A further upside: with less money, the super-rich will be less equipped to brag about the size of their boat.

I wish for fewer signs telling me the bleeding obvious
Take care when exiting the bus. Be careful when using chainsaw. Contents of this coffee cup may be hot. This packet of nuts may contain nuts.…

How many wishes do I get? Credit: Istock

I wish all couples understood you must be on the same team.
Your partner’s happiness should not come at your own cost, but you can only have a happy relationship if you truly wish happiness for your partner. We all deserve a person with whom we feel fabulous.

I wish for a breakage bill for kids
When a child turns 18 the parent should be allowed to seize back money equal to all the things their child lost or damaged. The abandoned hats alone would fund most people’s retirement.

Richard Glover’s new book, Best Wishes, is out now.

I wish dogs lived longer
They should be with us for life.

I wish others would understand the pleasure I take in garbage
(This section of the book is too lengthy to be summarised.)

I wish they would sell home-grown fruit and vegetables
The supermarkets are like a political rally, festooned with Australian flags, but – look closely – and the garlic is from China and the table grapes from California. My view: your dinner shouldn’t be better travelled than you are.

I wish they wouldn’t charge so much for razor blades
Any “value pack” of razors that costs $47 makes me realise the attractions of a beard. Also, the local IGA has now put the razor blades in a locked glass case, like jewels, which may be a hint that Gillette is charging too much.

I wish the waiter would write down the order
The feat of memory is impressive, but I’m now anxious they’ll forget the rice.

I wish all restaurants would take bookings
Refusing to take bookings is like inviting a friend over to dinner and saying, “John and I would love you to come over for a meal on Saturday, but please be aware we may not be home.”

I wish for an end to companies that want me to “rate our service”
If I buy from you again, it’s a sign you’ve done OK. Isn’t that all you need?

I wish, early in life, I’d been told the one hangover cure that works
It’s to drink less the night before.

I wish for the removal of mirrors in retail change rooms
If I wanted to see a fat man taking off all his clothes while illuminated by a spotlight, I’d put the necessary search terms into Google.

I wish for a ban on special rates for new customers
Why should loyal customers pay more for everything? If you offer an introductory rate for new customers, you should be required to offer it to all customers. Even the dozy, inattentive ones like me.

I wish Australians would stop running themselves down
Why do we portray ourselves as dopey, easy-going layabouts when we invented all the best things in the world? For example: penicillin, Wi-Fi, the ability of women to stand for parliament, electric drills, bionic ears, refrigeration (arguably) and the wine cask (most importantly). We’re smart and hard-working, and read more books than most people, so why the self-image of ‘No worries, mate, I’m just a friendly simpleton’?

I wish people were less dogmatic
Listening is free, and can be done by everyone, yet it’s the least practised skill in the world.

I wish I could have translated the language used by my father
When my dad asked constantly about the oil level in my car – on and on during my early adulthood – I now realise it was code for the love he couldn’t quite express.

I wish I were a better carpenter.
There’s a self-installed bookshelf bolted above my desk, the strength of whose bolts I question every time I return a heavy book, as I did many times during the writing of Best Wishes. What a well-deserved fate if, after consulting the Collins Thesaurus, the shelf – its burden increased by the replaced volume – heaved itself off the wall, leaving me dead, deceased, defunct, departed, extinct and gone.

Before I succumb to this carefully described death, I hope you’ll contemplate my fervent best wishes, and add some more of your own.

Richard Glover’s Best Wishes is out now.

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