Everyone's talking about: Vintage sex

Everyone’s talking about: Vintage sex

You mean like in a Jaguar E-Type?

No, it’s the participants who are vintage, not the location.

Whoa! I do not want to talk about elder sex.

Well, you’re out of touch with the zeitgeist – everyone else does.

Who?

Davina McCall heads the queue of celebrity midlifers inviting you to dust off your sexual cobwebs.

Not om front of the children – Oh, hang on… My Mum, Your Dad, the dating show for ‘mid-lifers’, is on ITV

Are you talking about this new show on ITV?

It’s called My Mum, Your Dad (aka Love Island for oldies).

Remind me what the thrust is. Stop it…

Davina invites people’s grown-up kids to watch their 40- and 50-something parents getting it on. In a mansion. In West Sussex.

Excruciating for them, surely.

You’d think so. However, the dialogue is anchored in wellness speak. The most excruciating thing is people banging…

Stop it!

…on about their ‘journeys of discovery’.

Oh, right. So what are the grown-up kids doing while all this is, er, going down?

A fair bit of hiding behind sofa cushions but they’re going to have to get used to the idea that being over 50 is hot.

Is it hot?

Depends on who you ask.

A recent survey of 5,000 Britons revealed that 47 per cent of women aged 50 to 54 had not enjoyed any intimacy in the previous three weeks, rising to 52 per cent for those in their late 50s. 

For early 60-somethings, the figure was two-thirds.

So, this oldies-at-it-like-rabbits trend is just another celebrity bandwagon, then?

Maybe, but it’s one that allowed 61-year-old Vanessa Feltz to share her favourite sexual position.

I’m in the brace position…

‘Reverse cowgirl, every day of the week.’

Does she mean she’d give that answer on every day of the week or that reverse cowgirl is a seven-day operation? Actually, don’t answer that.

You need to get over this squeamishness about later-life sex. Take heed of newly single Trinny Woodall, 59.

Remind me what Trinny said.

She told The Times that if you shut down your sexuality in later life, you’ll stop experiencing the ‘“Hello!” from down there’.

Does she mean West Sussex?

OK, let’s move on. Maybe Amanda Holden is more your thing.

What do you mean, my ‘thing’?

Sex with a historical slant.

Is that another position? I’m still trying to work out reverse cowgirl.

No, it’s also a TV show. Sex: A Bonkers History [co-hosted by Holden, 52] has just started on Sky History.

Davina McCall, 55, hosts My Mum, Your Dad

Much more up my street! I’m hoping the show thoroughly examines the academic debates around Plato and sexuality in the Renaissance.

Not so much, but it does have Georgian condoms, Victorian vibrators and ancient Egyptian Viagra.

Do I want to know what a Georgian condom was made of?

Animal intestines.

Thought not.

Trouble was they tended to dry out.

That’s all the detail I’m going to need on that.

Dr Johnson’s biographer James Boswell got around the problem by dipping his in a canal, after which he ‘performed most manfully’.

Enough history!

What a shame. I was about to go further back in time.

No thanks, I’m done with smutty historical figures and their strange sexual proclivities.

But this isn’t a person.

What is it, then?

A placoderm.

Sorry?

An armoured fish that, according to palaeontologists, lived 385 million years ago.

What has this got to do with sex?

Placoderms were the first to do it.

That is interesting. I’m glad you’ve dropped that wearisome Carry On tone.

I pride myself on reading the room. Actually, placoderm is the fish’s class name – you’ll need the specific genus for further reading.

Which is…

Microbrachius dicki.

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