I’m a therapist and a mom – here’s why I NEVER ask my kids to help with chores around the house

• Sam Kelly, 38, from Utah, is a former therapist and feminist coach for moms
• She has changed the way she talks to her three children about housework
• Sam explained that the word ‘help’ implies its her job to manage the home

A Utah mother has revealed why she never asks her children to ‘help’ with chores or everyday tasks around the house. 

Sam Kelly, a former therapist-turned-feminist coach for moms, shares three children — Hero, 11, Goldie, nine, and Shepard, six — with her husband, Chas Kelly. 

After years of trying to ‘do it all,’ she is combatting the patriarchal expectations put on mothers by changing the way they talk to their kids about managing their home.

In an interview with Good Morning America, Sam, 38, opened up about why she made the conscious decision to stop asking for ‘help’ with housework. 

Sam Kelly, 38, from Utah, opened up about why she never asks her children to ‘help’ with chores in an an interview with Good Morning America 

The former therapist-turned-feminist coach for moms shares three children – Hero, 11, Goldie, nine, and Shepard, six – with her husband, Chas Kelly

She explained Chas had always been a ‘very supportive’ partner, but she still struggled with the invisible labor she was taking on.

She confronted the inequity in their marriage about 18 months ago after hitting her breaking point.

The conversations they had about dividing the management of their household more equally made her realize she was repeating the same pattern with her children.

‘It’s a Friday night and I’m sitting down to make a list, a Saturday chore chart list for my kids, and I was like, “What am I doing? I am doing the exact same thing for my kids that I just spent the past year of my life trying to work with my husband to unlearn,”‘ she recalled.

Sam has since changed the language she uses with her children, an initiative she has shared with her nearly 60,000 followers on Instagram. 

‘I try to never phrase “help” when referring to the work of managing a home,’ she explained in a recent post. 

‘When we say things like “helping mom,” we’re implying that it’s mom who has the actual ownership over the job of managing the home and everyone else is just “helping” support her in that role. 

‘But that’s the message we’re working to deconstruct here. It’s not mom’s job or role to be the one in charge of everything for the home and family while everyone else just chips in and helps here and there. The work of managing a home is 100 per cent of a team effort.’

Sam has replaced the word ‘help’ with ‘work’ and will now ask her children, ‘Hey, can you come work with me to unload the dishwasher?’ 

She noted that ‘using the word “work” also communicates the message that the stuff that goes into managing a home is actual work.’ 

Sam is combatting the patriarchal expectations put on mothers by changing the way she talks to her kids about managing their home, asking them to ‘work’ with her instead of ‘help’

‘When we say things like “helping mom,” we’re implying that it’s mom who has the actual ownership over the job of managing the home,’ she explained on Instagram 

Sam’s post about teaching children about the invisible load of managing a home has received more than 66,000 likes and nearly 2,000 comments

‘Labeling it as work doesn’t have to be a negative thing. It fact, it’s healthy for kids to see work as morally neutral and something that they can become familiar with,’ she added. 

‘Increasing their tolerance of an comfort level with work simply by using the word “work” vs. “help” will increase their resiliency. So let’s call it like it is: They’re not helping you. They’re working with you.’ 

Sam told GMA that she is also teaching her children to ‘notice what needs to be done in the house’ and then ‘do it’ — a system she calls ‘notice and do’s.’

Instead of giving them a specific task, she will ask them to ‘look around the kitchen and just pick one thing to notice and do.’ 

“If we don’t have conversations with our kids about what this is and start to teach them, like, how to notice what needs to be done in a home, instead of just waiting for the mom or the woman in the house to do the invisible work … then the cycle is just going to keep repeating,’ she explained. 

Sam’s post about teaching children about the invisible load of managing a home has received more than 66,000 likes and nearly 2,000 comments. 

However, the mom’s take has been met with mixed opinions, with some fans loving the concept and others arguing their is nothing work with asking for help. 

‘This is silly. It absolutely is the job of the parents to manage and oversee their home.’ And the kids are truly “helping.” And helping someone is not demeaning or negative,’ one person responded. 

‘This is a very important distinction. I did this with both kids and I have a [14-year-old and 12-year-old] and they do ALL of their own laundry, vacuuming, cleaning their bathroom, and each one has one cooking dinner day per week,’ another shared. ‘This really empowers them and that’s how they contribute to the team of running a house.’ 

‘Ehh no. The parental figures are responsible of the house,’ someone else argued. ‘The kids learn to do tasks and help with it in a healthy way, but a kid should never feel that is their responsibility to be in charge of the house or like they have equal responsibility as the parents. That is parentifying a child.’

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